Wednesday, September 25, 2013

He calls me Mommy

There is nothing greater than seeing him smile and hearing "Mommy!" I could not ask for anything more in life! He mealts my heart. I recently read an article about enjoying parenting and not taking rhings for granted. I do my best to adhere to this.  There are still days that I get overwhelmed and I want to cry but I try to remember our struggle and just remain greatful that he is even here! Anyway, the article had said to be the type of mother that you want your daughter to be and the type of wife you want your son to marry. That's a powerful statement. So, I'm challenging myself now. I'm going to be making this my daily goal....to make sure I am portraying the qualities of the best mother and wife. Challenge accepted.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

A Challenge...

I challenge you to look for the positive in your life. I challenge you to hold your loved ones a little tighter each night. I challenge you to stop and be thankful that you have children the next time they frustrate you-easier said than done.

I challenge you to share your story. Most people who have experienced loss do not openly talk about it. I know that everyone grieves in their own way. Talking about her has helped me tremendously. Having such wonderful friends-even ones who took my pictures of her-and made me sweet collages-having parents who helped us and comforted us for hours-having faith that God would see us through this-these are the things that helped me.

Now I want to help others. I'm paying it forward in honor of my sweet Emmie. Please, contact me if you feel that I can help someone you know through their journey. Sometimes just knowing others have experienced this helps in so many untold ways.

Thanks!


I had so much homework to do today and am so behind in my online classes but I can't help but appreciate how crazy my child is when he walks in with his toilet seat on his head-no worries, it's very clean!!

Her impact...

I can't believe that after 3 tries and six years...I'm finally a mother. I wouldn't trade my journey for anything because it has made me who I am today. Yes, I would love it if I would have my other children but I feel that I am such a better mother for my struggle. I appreciate the smaller things in life. I appreciate his little giggle and laugh. I appreciate his little personality. I appreciate the way his brow furrows when he is trying to figure something out. I love the way his smile becomes so big when he sees us. I love how he wakes up so happy and goes to bed in the exact same mood. I love that he sleeps just like me. I love how he watches his cartoons glued to the screen like his daddy. I love how he enjoys life-the life I have been blessed to give him.

I miss my baby girl all in the same breath. I still have the dress her grandmother bought her on vacation. I have a little box with all of her belongings and pictures. I have her memory tucked in my heart but I refuse to stop at that.
 
I participate in the March of Dimes walk every year. I have become involved in that organization. I would like to become involved on a larger level by being able to talk to the other families experiencing a struggle. I have such large dreams for helping my baby's memory live on.

I want to start a support group for mothers who have lost children.
I want to be a spokesperson for loss.
I want to be a counselor for women who have experienced this grief.

I want to pay it forward.

....all because the boy fell in love with the girl...

I knew that our life would never be the same after losing Emmie. I vowed to do something about it. I wanted to somehow let her live on in a way. I didn't want to just "forget" her and move on. I have a small pendant that I wear close to my heart everyday.

My heart was still broken but we still felt empty. We so badly wanted to be parents but we just didn't understand why this kept happening. So, in October of 2010, you can imagine our nervousness to learn that we were going to be both homeowners and potentially parents!!

We had bought a house and decided that we were just going to keep moving forward in our lives and deal with what we were dealt. It was a mix of emotions when my husband looked at the little stick and said we were pregnant. I remember telling him that there was no way he was telling me the truth. I called the doctor the next day and we began another long journey...

At six weeks we were told this was a viable pregnancy.
At eight weeks we heard the heartbeat.
At 12 weeks, I underwent a cerclage surgery when it was determined that I had an incompetent cervix and this was why I lost Emmalyn.
At 20 weeks, I learned this baby would be a boy.
At 24 weeks, I stopped holding my breath.
I was on bedrest for most of my pregnancy as another preventative measure.

At 39 weeks on June 3, 2011, almost one year to the date of losing our baby girl, a perfectly healthy baby boy entered our life. I have been in love with 2 men ever since...

A Life Changed Forever...

It took a great deal of strength to move on from our heart break. It seemed like there were babies everywhere and that we would never be parents. My niece was born in December and that was the hardest thing ever. I was there for my family but I was dying inside. Why wasn't I good enough to be a mother? What did I do wrong?

We decided that we weren't going to try until I felt comfortable with taking the risk again. Much to our surprise, we discovered we were expecting again. I was beyond nervous. We had called the doctor immediately and he began monitoring me closely. We made it to eight weeks-twelve weeks-sixteen weeks. We were in the clear. I asked if we could get the 20 week ultrasound done a little early because we were going on vacation and I wanted to shop for baby clothes while we were gone. This was fine with the doctor so we had our ultrasound done on June 3, 2010, and we were having a GIRL!!!!!! I can't even explain how excited I was. Ribbons, bows, dresses....

We went on a quick vacation to Gatlinburg to relax. We had a wonderful time and talked about dreams for our daughter. Our daughter. I drove Justin crazy by wanting to pick a name while we were gone. :) I had an appointment scheduled for the week after we arrived back just as routine for our 20 week check up. While on vacation, I had a concern regarding a bladder infection and the doctor assured me that what I was experiencing was normal. So, at the 20 week check, I told them I was still having the same symptoms but all my tests had checked out fine. So, he wanted to do a quick exam.

**Small talk...small talk..."Umm, not to alarm you, but you are about 4cm dilated. I'm going to have you go straight to the hospital and you are going to be transferred to St. Vincent's Women's Hospital in Indianapolis. There is a procedure where they can place an emergency cerclage and you will be placed on bedrest for awhile. I will keep checking in on you but they will take great care of you."

I was in shock for the entire process. I was transferred via ambulance to the hospital. When I arrived, the doctors assessed my situation and determined that I was already too far for the procedure to work. They proceeded to tell me that there was nothing that they could do for me. At 21 weeks, my baby was going to have to be born and we couldn't save her. I arrived on a Wednesday and by Friday evening, I had developed an uterine infection and the only cure was to deliver my baby. The last ultrasound they did is forever ingrained into my mind. She was moving her hand. It was as if our baby was saying goodbye. At 12:20 am, Saturday, June 19, 2010, our daughter, Emmalyn Jean, was born. She lived for approximately one hour. We held her close and showed her how much we loved her for her short life. Goodness, she was beautiful.

I came across this poem and it sums it all up well:

We think about you always,
we talk about you still,
you have never been forgotten,
and you never will.
We hold you close within our hearts,
and there you will remain,
to walk with us throughout our lives
until we meet again.
~Unknown~

A Fever Developed Quickly....

We were married in May of 2007. Justin's family is very close and would frequently get together for no particular reason. I love his family. He has aunts and uncles and cousins and they are all close in age. I became attached pretty quickly. They just kept having children. I have always loved children. My dream in high school was to become an elementary school teacher.

Justin and I had talked before we got married about having children. We decided that we wanted to take some time to continue getting to know one another and adjust to living together. We had agreed that we wanted two children. However, the more time I spent with his family and all of their babies the more I wanted children sooner. I told him one day that I had become sick with "baby fever" but I would wait until he felt ready.

We began trying in 2008. We went through months of failed attempts and several medical tests. Finally, I got pregnant and we were due in December 2009. My mother has a history of miscarriages and I had heard(plus read because I am a big reader) of stories of loss. Of course, as hard as we tried and all of the things we went through, I never thought that I would be another statistic. I had a life growing inside of me and we were going to be parents in nine months. Happily. Ever. After.

We went to the doctor at six weeks and had an ultrasound. I was in awe. I had a little life inside of me. I was finally going to be a mother! My brother and his girlfriend were pregnant too. They were due within one week of us! This was going to be a wonderful journey having someone close to share it with. We waited until we were 8 weeks and could hear the heartbeat from the outside before we shared the news. Believe me when I say I was bubbling over with excitement!! Our news was finally out and we could start celebrating.

At ten weeks, I started to have some complications. I was having some spotting and called the doctor. He had me come in and did an ultrasound. Our baby was okay and we heard the heartbeat again. However, to error on the side of discretion, he had be go on bedrest to see if it would stop. I was on bedrest and it finally lightened up. I continued on with my life being assured that this was just some fluke and I heard the heartbeat and knew my baby was okay

At twelve weeks, the spotting had returned and so we did another ultrasound. I can remember this like it were yesterday, the ultrasound tech became quiet and I held my breath listening for the rhythm of that heartbeat. I kept waiting. She turned the screen. I knew what had happened. I said, "The baby is gone, isn't it?" She looked at me and said she was sorry. I began to cry and Justin was by my side. I gathered my things and we were moved to another room to wait for the doctor-who was delivering a baby-to discuss our options.

On June 1, 2009, I went in for a D&C to have the tissue removed. I didn't know if it was a boy or girl. I didn't know what he/she would have looked like. I didn't get to hear his/her giggle. I had no closure. I cried for days and weeks. It took me a very long time to talk about that loss. I had never experienced grief like this. How could I go on?

A Boy fell in love with a girl...

I worked at a local grocery store. There were a numerous amount of changes that were taking place and, as a result, I was placed on third shift. This was not my job but I was filling in until they could find a replacement. Finally, someone was willing to take the job. Enter the boy. He started training with me and I was showing him how the job was to be done. Of course, we had to spend a lot of time together. At the end of the training period, he asked me to breakfast. I had politely turned him down. Now, let's rewind a little bit. During the training period, he had gone on and on about this girl who broke his heart and how much he thought he liked her. He even asked me to read a letter he wrote to her. On a side note, I don't receive any letter, just pointing that out. Now, back to the breakfast. I told him that I didn't think this was a good idea and I refused to ever be somebody's second choice. Take that! Well, Justin wasn't one to give up. He has always been persistent. So, we continued to talk over the next couple of months and we were always friendly. So, with time, I wore down and agreed to go out on a date with him. May 20, 2006, we went out on our first date. We dated for several months and our love grew. In December, we were engaged. It was hard to date someone when you worked opposite shifts but we made it work. We were married on May 12, 2007.

 

I love him more today then that perfect Spring day. We have been through so much together. Our journey is one that would tear people apart. However, we have managed to grow together and to be better people despite our journey.