A Life Changed Forever...

It took a great deal of strength to move on from our heart break. It seemed like there were babies everywhere and that we would never be parents. My niece was born in December and that was the hardest thing ever. I was there for my family but I was dying inside. Why wasn't I good enough to be a mother? What did I do wrong?

We decided that we weren't going to try until I felt comfortable with taking the risk again. Much to our surprise, we discovered we were expecting again. I was beyond nervous. We had called the doctor immediately and he began monitoring me closely. We made it to eight weeks-twelve weeks-sixteen weeks. We were in the clear. I asked if we could get the 20 week ultrasound done a little early because we were going on vacation and I wanted to shop for baby clothes while we were gone. This was fine with the doctor so we had our ultrasound done on June 3, 2010, and we were having a GIRL!!!!!! I can't even explain how excited I was. Ribbons, bows, dresses....

We went on a quick vacation to Gatlinburg to relax. We had a wonderful time and talked about dreams for our daughter. Our daughter. I drove Justin crazy by wanting to pick a name while we were gone. :) I had an appointment scheduled for the week after we arrived back just as routine for our 20 week check up. While on vacation, I had a concern regarding a bladder infection and the doctor assured me that what I was experiencing was normal. So, at the 20 week check, I told them I was still having the same symptoms but all my tests had checked out fine. So, he wanted to do a quick exam.

**Small talk...small talk..."Umm, not to alarm you, but you are about 4cm dilated. I'm going to have you go straight to the hospital and you are going to be transferred to St. Vincent's Women's Hospital in Indianapolis. There is a procedure where they can place an emergency cerclage and you will be placed on bedrest for awhile. I will keep checking in on you but they will take great care of you."

I was in shock for the entire process. I was transferred via ambulance to the hospital. When I arrived, the doctors assessed my situation and determined that I was already too far for the procedure to work. They proceeded to tell me that there was nothing that they could do for me. At 21 weeks, my baby was going to have to be born and we couldn't save her. I arrived on a Wednesday and by Friday evening, I had developed an uterine infection and the only cure was to deliver my baby. The last ultrasound they did is forever ingrained into my mind. She was moving her hand. It was as if our baby was saying goodbye. At 12:20 am, Saturday, June 19, 2010, our daughter, Emmalyn Jean, was born. She lived for approximately one hour. We held her close and showed her how much we loved her for her short life. Goodness, she was beautiful.

I came across this poem and it sums it all up well:

We think about you always,
we talk about you still,
you have never been forgotten,
and you never will.
We hold you close within our hearts,
and there you will remain,
to walk with us throughout our lives
until we meet again.
~Unknown~