We were married in May of 2007. Justin's family is very close and would frequently get together for no particular reason. I love his family. He has aunts and uncles and cousins and they are all close in age. I became attached pretty quickly. They just kept having children. I have always loved children. My dream in high school was to become an elementary school teacher.
Justin and I had talked before we got married about having children. We decided that we wanted to take some time to continue getting to know one another and adjust to living together. We had agreed that we wanted two children. However, the more time I spent with his family and all of their babies the more I wanted children sooner. I told him one day that I had become sick with "baby fever" but I would wait until he felt ready.
We began trying in 2008. We went through months of failed attempts and several medical tests. Finally, I got pregnant and we were due in December 2009. My mother has a history of miscarriages and I had heard(plus read because I am a big reader) of stories of loss. Of course, as hard as we tried and all of the things we went through, I never thought that I would be another statistic. I had a life growing inside of me and we were going to be parents in nine months. Happily. Ever. After.
We went to the doctor at six weeks and had an ultrasound. I was in awe. I had a little life inside of me. I was finally going to be a mother! My brother and his girlfriend were pregnant too. They were due within one week of us! This was going to be a wonderful journey having someone close to share it with. We waited until we were 8 weeks and could hear the heartbeat from the outside before we shared the news. Believe me when I say I was bubbling over with excitement!! Our news was finally out and we could start celebrating.
At ten weeks, I started to have some complications. I was having some spotting and called the doctor. He had me come in and did an ultrasound. Our baby was okay and we heard the heartbeat again. However, to error on the side of discretion, he had be go on bedrest to see if it would stop. I was on bedrest and it finally lightened up. I continued on with my life being assured that this was just some fluke and I heard the heartbeat and knew my baby was okay
At twelve weeks, the spotting had returned and so we did another ultrasound. I can remember this like it were yesterday, the ultrasound tech became quiet and I held my breath listening for the rhythm of that heartbeat. I kept waiting. She turned the screen. I knew what had happened. I said, "The baby is gone, isn't it?" She looked at me and said she was sorry. I began to cry and Justin was by my side. I gathered my things and we were moved to another room to wait for the doctor-who was delivering a baby-to discuss our options.
On June 1, 2009, I went in for a D&C to have the tissue removed. I didn't know if it was a boy or girl. I didn't know what he/she would have looked like. I didn't get to hear his/her giggle. I had no closure. I cried for days and weeks. It took me a very long time to talk about that loss. I had never experienced grief like this. How could I go on?
Extremely well written. I, too, have had a similar situation and it's not something that leaves you, ever. I often wonder, what did I do wrong? What did this happen to us? Was it a boy or girl? These are questions that will never be answered for me, and I am not sure if I will be able to ever have a baby, I lost mine in 2001 and have been trying since 2004 to have a baby with no luck. I believe that God has a plan for each and every one of us, and there is a reason, no matter how heartbreaking, he took our child from us.
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